Log in

Go home, August, you're drunk

Instead of repeating the same thing in reply to comments, I thought I'd just post an actual update.

August has sucked so far. It all started with the camping trip from hell, during which I got a flat tire, my dog chewed open a tumor on his toe, my parents' camper wouldn't pop up, and unbeknownst to me at the time, new medication I was on was not working, so I was feeling yucky for no reason I could fathom.

Upon returning to civilization, I had to take the dog to the vet about that bleeding sore, which meant surgery, to the tune of hundreds of dollars. I had to use up my last two days of unreserved vacation for the year to stay home and take care of him afterwards, during which time I noticed he was peeing blood. Back to the vet we went, which meant MORE tests, and more hundreds of dollars. [He has doggy insurance, but the last claim I submitted got lost in the ether so I'm not counting unhatched poultry.]

Long story short, the dog is doing a lot better. He never lost his spark. And the tumor was benign.

I went back to work, and that's when it hit me that my medication wasn't working. I had to switch to the old one, and I'm still waiting for it to seep into my system and work its magic. All the while my dog is still recovering, and the meds he is on make him pee a lot so he wakes me up every couple of hours to go outside.

Colour me exhausted.

I was so tired, I almost didn't go to the Abbey Bar to see Enter the Haggis last night. l'm glad I forced myself out. It was fun, and I think I needed it (and the beer).

I'm working on a secret writing project, details of which won't be revealed here. But I will say that I've decided that I need to focus on one project at a time, so I won't be working on anything else until this is in the can, so to speak. 

I live

How is everyone?

Life's a journey

It's been a while since my last update. I haven't felt like I had much to say. Not yet.


I've been taking some time to myself, to kind of regroup, take stock. I'm 35, half as old as I ever intend to be. And with that realisation comes the understanding that the dreams I had when I was 20 won't all come true. But hand in hand with that is the realisation that I've been clinging to most of those dreams out of stubbornness more than anything else.


Buddhism has been a sort of loose guide for me. It started with a concerted effort to adopt a minimalist lifestyle. It also became clear that I was already adopting some of the teachings of Buddhism without even knowing. I don't believe in the mystical aspects of it, but most of it makes a lot of sense to me and so far it's helped me come to terms with a lot of things.


I did a lot of running away from things the past three years. I ran away from a decent job because I felt trapped. I ended up in a worse job, and then unemployed. I will say that unemployment was awesome except for the money part. Then I got a job that was worse than the one I left.


So I came back to the job I ran away from with a new appreciation of it. It doesn't define my identity. It's a job, not a career. But it's a job I can do, and now I know the grass isn't greener on the other side.


It's a job I'm good at, in a company where I feel appreciated.


The next part will be harder: define what dreams I do still have. Why I have them, what I'm willing to do to achieve them. I reached a really low point, and I partially blame some medication I was on, making me have suicidal ideations, but part of it was just me, freaking out. I still have a lot of work to do. I'm thinking I might get some counseling.


I find that a lot of my trauma stems from fear. For example, I feel like I'm being selfish when I don't give money to x or y cause/person. It occurs to me that it's not that I'm greedy so much as I'm afraid that I'll run out of money and be in need. But the fact is that poverty can happen to anyone, at any time. Hoarding cash is no guarantee. And if I'm ever in that situation again, I'd be grateful if someone helped me.


My dream of running away from it all? Part of it is wanderlust, wanting to live out of a camper and travel the continents, but part of it is social anxiety as well. Easy to forget that when you travel you kind of have to talk to strangers all the time.


It's things like that, little things that go round and round in my brain, blowing themselves all out of proportion.


The bottom line is that I need to stop waiting for some magical future that may never come and enjoy life now. Make who I am fit into the life I'm leading right now. Make James the writer and James the 9-to-5er work together. And stop beating myself up for not achieving what I thought was the end all be all when I was 20. I'm not that person anymore. Fuck, I barely even liked that person, and that surely played a part.

New universes to explore

So I discovered a new world today. It sort of tangentially leads to a previously known universe, but will stand on its own. And so far I haven't figured out whether I till tell one or many stories from it.

I don't need any more universes to play with, but I keep getting sucked into them nonetheless.

I think I have more fun discovering the worlds than actually telling the stories. Maybe I should really focus on making the stories shorter. Otherwise nothing will ever get finished.

But I like when stories are EPIC!

Up past midnight

Somehow wrenched my wrist.Collapse )
Maybe I could get worker's comp.

Had to go to CVS to get a wrist brace after another grueling day at work. Damn carpal tunnel I can do nothing about!

At least I finally get a weekend. Yay!

I should stop listening to music altogether. I get most of my story ideas randomly from music. But from lyrics, really. Mostly I'll be listening to a track and my brain will start putting together the scene that the music is playing in the background of. My goth station on Spotify gave me a new post apocalyptic heroine. I'm actually excited. Like I need more muses. Like another hole in my head.

Some Cesare Borgia picspam for naomi_jay

Just because. Some are NSFW.

Clicky for pickyCollapse )

Guess I'm feeling somewhat impish now that I've had my rum. Gods, I hope I got that lj-cut thing right.

Things that made me smile so far today

1. Ellie Goulding
2. Pumping exactly $30 worth of fuel manually on the first try
3. Pancakes
4. Reedy plant things on the side of the road gave me the wave
5. Sheetz made-to-order noms


Things at Ye Olde Day Jobbe are hectic this month, so we're also doing half days on Saturday. Takes all the magic out of Friday, and ruins half a Saturday, but this too shall pass. My family did rescue me from despair yesterday by gathering the crew for a round of Dungeons and Dragons. A friend who used to work a funky schedule is now doing a regular Monday - Friday so he joined us as well (it was so hard to get him to come before, and we missed him terribly!). (willow_cabin and mermaiden you met Jay at Spoutwood.) Many a goblin was slain.

Today I'm heading up rt. 22 to Michael's for supplies, maybe JoAnn's to start gathering fabric, and if the Spirit Halloween store is finally truly open, I should stop there first for a pair of cheap large-ish faerie wings that I can tear apart and remake in my image. Because FAERIECON!

After much deliberation, I've settled on my costumes for both balls. For Good Faeries Ball, I will be a rainbow faerie. I actually got the idea vaguely from some art I saw online but didn't save a link to. It was angel wings that looked almost like stained glass in many colours. So I'm making 'stained glass' faerie wings. At least that's the plan. I'm going to Michael's to see what I can scrounge up. I can probably get coloured plastic sheets at an office supply, but they may not have all the colours and I may be able to get inspiration at Michael's on how best to do it.

For the rest of the costume I'm going to the Good Will and grabbing as many colourful pieces of clothing I can find, then putting them all together artistically. Haha. It will require minimal stitching, the way I'm hoping to do it. There is one thing I want to actually make from scratch, which is where the JoAnn's trip comes in.

It occurs to me that my non-crafting and non-US friends may be thinking I have friends named Michael and JoAnn with generous closets. LOL Well I do! Michael and JoAnn are my friends!

Bad Faeries Ball. Two words: Fallen Angel. Should not require stitching, but probably will require painting. And fire. And tiny hair clips. All will make sense in the end.

I want to travel. I'm feeling that bug hardcore. I'm thinking if I can't make it to Europe next year, I may just go to the west coast and do FaerieWorlds in the summer. Who's with me?

I'm going to get some stuff done before it's late enough that the stores will be open. Stupid Sunday hours. LOL
I woke up thinking it was Wednesday, when it in fact, was Thursday. It just further proves that I never got the hang of Thursdays.

I killed a spider in cold blood this morning, and I feel bad about it. But my roommate is an arachnophobe, and I didn't have the time to relocate the spider. I was on my way to work. I'll make up some karma by feeding the ducks. I hope.

The annual shaving of the beard has come, to once again remind me how much I hate shaving the beard. I may do it again for FaerieCon, but since I've decided against drag this year, that's still to be determined.

Welcome to Night Vale is my latest obsession. It's a bi-monthly podcast done in community radio style about the strangest town you'll ever know. It's almost like... Northern Exposure meets HP Lovecraft as written by Douglas Adams. The narrator has a great voice, and his love interest is a scientist named Carlos who's investigating all the weird shit in town. Each episode is 20-30 minutes long, and there's always a song near the end which I usually end up skipping because most of them don't really do it for me, but your mileage may vary.

It's been great to get involved in the fandom, too. See the art that they make. We don't get a description of what Cecil, the narrator, looks like, though we have seen pictures of the actor. We know from the show that Carlos has dark skin and black hair. The fan art is pretty consistent with that, but when it comes to Cecil there's almost an even split between blond Cecil and POC Cecil. In my head he kinda looks South Asian, if I try to picture him. Well, he did before I looked at the actor. Now he kind of goes back and forth in my head.

Anyway, I really recommend you give it a listen. My favourite time to listen is while I'm making breakfast. Now that I'm all caught up, though, I have to wait two weeks. I may cry.

I'm already writing Supernatural/Night Vale fiction. Don't judge.

I still have problems doing anything productive in the afternoons. I'm seriously going to bring up alternate shifts at work to my supervisor again. I need my mornings back!

Have not had any alcohol in two days. Or has it been three already? Time has lost all meaning, apparently. How do you sober people stand it?? ;)

Actually I'm trying to cut down for dietary reasons. Involving stretchy pants at FaerieCon. Won't do to have belly hanging over them. Ew.

I leave you with that mental image!! :D 

Green vs. Green

So after a lot of thinking, plans have once again changed. It comes down to my car. She needs a new part, and to pass inspection next month. So I probably shouldn't go buying two pairs of shoes and an $80+ pair of pants to wear once. You know what I'm saying? And then there's the sewing and make up and hair... madness that way lies.

So I'm going to pare it down. I really have a specific image for Ozma, so I'm pushing that costume back to next year or so, to give myself time to get it right. What I will do is incorporate certain pieces so that at least I'm partially there. This leaves me with some money to spend on my other costume, for Bad Faeries Ball. And now of course I'm rethinking that one, too. LOL

Whatever. I have plans and it will all work out.

Latest Month

August 2014



RSS Atom
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Tiffany Chow