James (elven_wolf) wrote,

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The Black Hole of Sludge

As mentioned earlier, Kari and I left the outskirts of Philly at around midnight on Saturday night. Insanity ensued. The following is a reenactment of that insanity. In Insanity Format(tm)!

12:30ish... Pennsylvania Turnpike...
*splattered deer guts on the road*
K: Ew! Inside out deer!
J: Eeeeeew!
K: You know, as a vegetarian, you don't get to see splattered veggie guts on the road.
J: ??!
K: You don't see corn stalks running across the road getting hit by cars.
J: *lmao* Herd of wild asparagus?
K: And the fuckers just standing there stunned by the headlights. Brussels sprouts too.
J: Ha!
K: Those fuckers just drop and roll, though.

K: You see those signs? For deer crossing?
J: Yeah?
K: After those you see the asparagus crossing ones.
J: *lmao* After the wetback crossing sign? *
K: We're a little far north for wetbacks.
J: *laughs*
K: Unless they're crossing the river from Jersey.

*: We're both fans of Mind of Mencia. We've recently latched onto that kind of humour because I just came up from PR. The 'wetback crossing sign' was a recent skit.

K: You need a pit stop?
J: Hm? *sleepy* No, I'm fine. Do you?
K: Yeah. Says the last place to get coffee for the next 50 miles.
J: I could take coffee.
*pulling up to the last Starbucks on the road*
J: Great, the only thing they have is Starbucks?
K: Apparently.
J: That shit's horribly overpriced.

*inside: only the Sbarro and Starbucks seem to be open. The 'pretzel and coffee' place is shut down*
K: *to Starbucks Lady (SL)* Do you have any flavoured coffee, fresh brewed?
SL: No but we have syrups. *points out the different flavours of syrup*
K: Oh, cinnamon, can I have a little bit of that?
SL: *grabs a cup, starts squirting syrup into it*
K: *eyeing SL warily* Now is that sweet? Because I don't put sugar in my coffee.
SL: It's a little sweet, so you won't have to put sugar in.
K: That's just it, I don't usually take sugar in my coffee. Can I try the syrup first?
SL: Okay. *hands over the cup*
K: *tastes* It's a bit sweet, but that's okay. This is good.
SL: Okay. *squirt squirt squirt*
K: I didn't want that much in it.
SL: *squirt squirt squirt*
K: Okay that's enough.
SL: Okay. *stops squirting, but uses the already 'too much syrup in it' cup to pour the coffee into*
J: I'll have mine without syrup.
*coffees are purchased*
J: Where's the sugar?
SL: *points*
*K and J make it to the sugar counter*
K: *tasting coffee* Ew!
J: !! ?
K: This is awful!
J: *putting sugar into coffee* Is it the syrup? Let me try. *tries* Erm, why is it bitter?
K: I don't know...
J: *puts sugar in non-cinnamony coffee, tastes, frowns, puts more sugar in, tastes, frowns, puts MORE sugar in* *usually only takes one or two packets, uses about six*
K: It's like... burnt.
J: I'm not a coffee connoiseur. I don't drink it for the taste. *does, however, notice this is an especially foul cup of coffee*
K: *grabs one of those feedback forms from the counter* Should I say something and get another one? No, they'll just give me another rancid cup of the same shit.

Later, on the road...
K: Just, EW! I mean I've had bad coffee in my day, but this is the single worst cup of coffee I've ever had. I've had coffee with cigarettes put out in it. I've run the grounds from yesterday through again when I've been particularly desperate. This takes the fucking cake!
J: *laughing, still gingerly sipping at coffee* This is pretty bad. I put in a tonne of sugar and I can't taste it. It just sucked the sugar in. It's like a black hole. Nothing escapes, not even sugar.
K: *laughing* It's a black hole of sludge! The syrup was sweet when I tasted it by itself, but the coffee is all bitter!
*Just assume we're both giggling like we're high for the rest of the entry*
J: It defies the laws of physics.
K: We should tell Robert to take it to school. They can run experiments in chemistry to see if there's any sugar in it and find out if it's a real black hole that swallows up everything that goes in it.
J: *lmao*
K: But he might get in trouble for setting the school on fire or something. When they put the litmus paper in, it'll just go up in flames.
J: The school would be sucked into the cups!
K: And all you'll see is Rob's two little legs up wiggling like this... I'd pull over to toss it, but I'd cause an ecological devastation. The EPA will have to come in and do a Super Fun Cleanup and the state will be a barren wasteland for years and years!
J: Radioactive shit.
K: The cups are probably made of asbestos or something.
J: And lead for the radiation.
K: I can feel it eating a hole through my insides already. Ew!
J: Ugh, yes. And I didn't even have that much.
K: That's probably what happened to that deer back there on the road.
J: *lmao!* It licked up a Starbucks spill and exploded! Someone call the EPA!
K: Super Fun Cleanup time! I'd just wait to pour them down the drain at home but our pipes are plastic. It'll eat right through them!
J: It'll kill Igor.*
K: Poor Igor. Maybe we should pour it down the storm drain down the street. No, that runs into the river. All the fish will die.
J: Poor fishies.
K: Ugh, I still can't get that taste out of my mouth. The lung butter (she has a cold) would be better than this.
J: *bursts out laughing so hard speech is barely possible*
K: ??
J: *barely manages to spit it out* Now I know why Zeus ate the squirrel the other day and chews on tissues! Someone gave him Starbucks and he couldn't get the taste out of his mouth!

*: Igor: the sink garbage disposal. Dad and Kari named it Igor and turned it into a monster to scare little Robert with so he wouldn't put his hand in.

K: *laughing madly* If they pull us over right now they'll think we're high!

K: Eugh! I can still smell this coffee!
J: Maybe we'll run through the cloud of skunk again. // K: *simultaneously* I'd rather have the skunk!
*cloud of skunk makes reappearance right then*

J: *fog coming over the car in waves* Look! It's the Starbucks fumes! The devastation has begun!

J: We're going to need Hazmat suits to throw this out!

Comments from the boys after hearing the tale...

Dad: *watching both giggling nutters at 3 AM* What are you two on and where can I get some?
K and J: Starbucks!

Rob: I can't take it to school, I'll be arrested for bioterrorism!

K: I'll tell Jake (Dad) to smell it. But I know he won't.
*Dad wanders over*
K: This is the worst coffee ever. Smell it.
Dad: *scooting away* I'm not gonna smell that!
K: See? I told you!

*next morning, both cups are still sitting on the counter*
K: *to Rob* Taste that, isn't that the worst thing ever?
Rob: *tastes it, shrugs* It tastes like cold coffee with sugar.
K: ?? !
J: Duuude... maybe the toxic effects only last a certain amount of time. And the black hole sort of spits everything back out.
Dad: Maybe it wasn't the coffee, maybe it really was the German chocolate cake you had at that party. I should call for that recipe.

Dad: Well, I better go scrape up those asparagus guts off the grill of my truck now.

And that is just a taste of the sort of insanity I now live with. Which is much better than the insanity I used to live with. I haven't had to make a single anti-religion comment since I've been here, other than a calm and interesting discussion with my father on faith and fundamentalism and free will. Even though he's a theist, he agrees on a lot of things I said, so it's all good. Not that he agrees specifically, but that we can discuss it like adults. I've missed that.
Tags: family, starbucks

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