I have no clue where this movie takes place, since as far as I know, the Aztecs are south of the Rio Grande.
Why did the Four Retards of the Apocalypse kill John Connor? Because it's a Crow movie and somebody has to. Somebody has to wear leather pants, too. It's the rules. And somebody has to eat eyes and have visions. It just had to be Tara Reid this time. Tsk. And you know, at least Eric Draven got a casket and a proper burial. Little Johnny Connor gets a refrigerator. At least he's wearing a suit.
John Connor: "Here I am doing my impersonation of Brandon Lee." *crawls over to a toaster and sees his reflection* "I'm John Connor? OHNOES!!!!" *wail*
Now he goes and puts on facepaint for no reason (just because this is a Crow movie and he has to) and ends up looking like somebody from The L Word. And I don't mean the transguy.
*shakes head* Eric Draven he ain't. Hell, he ain't even Ashe. And he's desperately trying to be both. But he's hopelessly hindered by the fact his name is Jimmy Cuervo. I shit you not.
You know, I think the only way at this point to make a Crow story that doesn't make you just roll your eyes is to make it more of a murder mystery. I had a pretty good plot idea when I started writing The Crow: Nachtmusik, which I never finished. Hell, I might just pick it up again just to spite this lame-fest.
Why am I still awake? Oh right, Tank from the Matrix needs to uhm, do something supporting-character-like.
Gives a whole new meaning to Vive Cuervo!
Macy Gray: "Nobody ever gave me nothin'."
Yeah, well somebody was dumb enough to give you a record contract.
You know Angel is doing all that 666 shit all over his body with cigarettes and then he just tells people he's Touched by Satan. All the while Tank is gonna play suicide bomber. Please, put this flick out of its mysery.
And they shoot Macy! Yeah! About time somebody capped that no talent---
Mum: "He's got 47 people shooting at him (Tank) and nobody can hit him."
Rob: "He's War!"
Mum: "So they must be the A-Team!"
Rob: *watching Angel's voice change* "He's a Goa'uld!"
Mum: "From the A-Team!"
Is it creditz taim now plz?
This went from really fucking bad to WHAT WERE THEY THINKING? They're flying now. Because y'know, Angel has all that vampirism experience under his belt. John Connor has... he's from the future or some shit.
"Next on Sci Fi... The Twilight Zone."
Mum: "I thought we just came out of the twilight zone."
And this concludes our MST. Hope you enjoyed. This shitfest of a movie better have been good for something.