James (elven_wolf) wrote,

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Fic: The 101 Things Owen Is No Longer Allowed To Do In Torchwood

Title: The 101 Things Owen Is No Longer Allowed To Do In Torchwood
Pairing: Nothing they haven't addressed on the show, mostly gen.
Spoilers: Vague up to 2.11
Summary: Owen's List.
Author's Notes: A friend mentioned 'Skippy's List' this morning and I couldn't resist. Apologies if it's been done. No, the list isn't 101, but feel free to add your own. ;)

1. Not allowed to watch lesbian porn on the hub's computers.
2. Not allowed to throw alien entrails at Gwen.
3. Not allowed to throw alien entrails at Ianto.
4. Not allowed to call Ianto 'Mrs. Harkness', unless Ianto refers to himself as such.
5. Not allowed to harvest and concentrate the Captain's sweat in order to get laid.
6. Not allowed to douse people I don't like with barbecue sauce and call Myfanwy for dinner.
7. Not allowed to use 'The Rift ate my homework' as an excuse.
8. Not allowed to wear a fake beard and try to convince people I'm Jesus back from the dead on Easter morning.
9. Not allowed to steal Jack's condoms.
10. Not allowed to point out Jack doesn't need condoms.
11. Not allowed to secretly switch the coffee with decaf.
12. No longer allowed to make coffee.
13. Not allowed to mock the Welsh.
14. Never confuse a Canadian for an American.
15. Just because I'm dead, doesn't mean I have carte blanche to make jokes about the recently deceased.
16. Not allowed to pipe 'Mr. Jones and Me' over the hub speakers whenever Jack and Ianto are getting loud in Jack's office.
17. No longer allowed to sing the Big Gay Al 'I'm Super' song to Jack.
18. Not allowed to use Janet as a can opener.
19. Under no circumstances am I to attempt to film Janet/Myfanwy porn.
20. Do not taunt Captain John with poodles.
21. Not allowed to make Spy vs. Spy macros with pictures of Martha and Ianto.
22. Not allowed to upload internal CCTV footage on X-Tube.
23. Not allowed to sell 'alien autopsy' video to FOX News.
24. Not to the BBC either.
25. Not allowed to eat human brains.
26. Not allowed to eat weevil brains either.
27. Not allowed to organise an army of weevil worshippers to take over Cardiff and crown me Emperor of Wales.
28. Not allowed to put on black contact lenses and speak gibberish to freak Toshiko out.
29. Not allowed to write fake entries in Ianto's diary and insinuate he's been retconned.
30. Must not molest Ianto in front of jack.
31. Must not molest Jack in front of Ianto, unless I'm ready to take them both on.
32. Not allowed to tease Jack with the prospect of a threeway.
33. Not allowed to make crank calls to the 23rd century.
34. Not allowed to phone Alexander Graham Bell then brag about making the world's first crank call.
35. Not allowed to call Miss Cleo and charge it to the Torchwood credit card.
36. Must remember I do not look as good in a UNIT cap as Ianto does.
37. Must not dress as the Crow at the Torchwood Halloween party.
38. Must not trick Gwen into 'accidentally' walking in on Jack and Ianto getting busy, even though I know Jack 'secretly' gets off on it.
39. Klingon is not Welsh, and it's insulting to the Welsh people to pretend it is.
40. Must not use the Blowfish alphabet when alphabetizing DVD's.
Tags: fanfic, torchwood

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