James (elven_wolf) wrote,

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Losing my (fear of) Religion

I drive past a church every day two and from work. Lately I've been feeling the vague urge to stop and attend a service. I don't know what denomination it is, and it doesn't really matter. And I kept asking myself why. It's not that I've gone docbritePZB or anything, because I've long ago realised that my faith gene was defective from birth.

Maybe PZB's conversion and Alana's discussion on angels and Christianity have triggered a part of my brain which has been dormant for the past couple of years. Really, since moving out of my grandparents' house, I've had no reason to fear religion. Hating the whole concept was a big part of my life through high school and some time after. I made it through high school by the grace of Nine Inch Nails' 'Heresy' and this one kid named Jorge thanks to whom I knew I wasn't the only atheist in the world. I didn't have to be in the gay closet, I was in the atheist closet. And from reading a lot of stuff on psychology and the brain, it's my understanding, as a layman, that there really is a specific part of the brain which handles faith, and just like any other mental issue it can vary from person to person. I don't know, and won't speculate, what the 'default' setting is for religious faith, but mine doesn't work. I tried. I used to think that religious people were dumb to see things that weren't there, but that's no longer my opinion. We're just wired differently. And I'm glad to have matured to that point.

Is my urge to go to this church - which is a vague and fleeting urge but has occured to me a few times now - an attempt to recapture that sense of identity as a non-religious person? It's kind of twisted if it is. And I really don't need old imaginary battles to fight, that would be kind of immature. I really have no desire to go back to that mindset. I don't hate religion anymore, and that's mostly because I've left the environment in which crazy overzealous people were shoving it down my throat 24/7. You'd hate cake if you were forced to eat it at every meal for 25 years, especially if you didn't care for it to start with.

Anyway, this morning I think I'll dedicate some time to leveling Deadowen my undead priest. I'd write otherwise but I'm still mulling over the end of the chapter, and I won't be online tonight to level and Mr. koshernurse will get too far ahead of me because Ianto is already lvl 10. Toodles!
Tags: psychology, religion, wow

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