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What am I?

Something my grandparents instilled in me from a very young age was the need to be something. My grandfather was a lawyer. My uncles, a doctor and an accountant. Even my grandmother is a 'homemaker' as befit her generation. The presumption being that you study, you graduate, you get a title and that becomes an achievement in and of itself, and it defines your self-worth for the rest of your life.

Because no matter who my uncle works for, or whether he works at all, or even what he ends up doing later in life, he will always be an M.D.

As I began to show more of an aptitude towards Humanities, they were hoping I'd become an English teacher or something along those lines.

And yet here I am, and what am I? "I work in billing" doesn't make me an accountant. Doesn't make me anything at all. Just like "I work at McDonald's" doesn't make one a waiter, or a chef. Is my job not important? Oh, it is. I make sure my company gets paid for its services. That's important. But it's a job. It's not a career. It doesn't help me as an individual.

I write. Does that make me a writer? Probably. But I can't call myself an author until I've finished something. Even before it sells, if I'm trying to sell it, I'm an author.

Perhaps learning music is another attempt at becoming 'something'.

And perhaps following the little Celtic band that could across two states is a proxy for the religious experience I'm unable to achieve with actual religion. But that's a ramble for another entry and I'm sure pop culture sociologists have debated that one since the birth of Elvis Presley.

Okay, I'm going to give myself 20 more minutes to write about Channon Grey and his little wolf pack, then shower and some practise before work.

Gott sei dank es ist Freitag! (Or something similar. I'm trying for 'linguist' next.)

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elven_wolf
Jul. 11th, 2009 01:11 pm (UTC)
I know. It's just hard to unlearn some things that have been ingrained so deeply.

And yeah, I did say that about standing out and fitting in... I don't think I'm so actively trying to do that anymore. I'm too busy working for a living to worry about that much. But working for a living does remind me this is not where I want to be, career-wise. I think I'm just realising that I'm probably never going back to school, and that scares me because how am I going to get away from the drudgery of a desk job that way?
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