September 6th, 2012

Autumn path (ohsweetwitchery)

The Dog that Smelled the Flower

Yesterday I tweeted that there are days when having to take the dog out to pee is the one thing keeping me from having a fatal date with a knife as soon as I get home from work. Yesterday was one of those days. Today was almost one again.

I don't think I cracked a smile until Merlin passed by a neighbour's garden and slowed, lifting his head to nose at a large red flower.

After reminding myself to stop and smell the flowers, I grew contemplative.

I found old assumptions that have hounded me invisibly for years.

I always assumed I was cursed with some sort of chronic laziness, and somehow that shame stayed with me, even to this day. That I don't like work because I'm lazy, because I'd rather do nothing. I don't know who instilled this in me but it's not true. And I don't know how much this unconscious belief has led me to this moment. I'm not lazy so I work hard, harder than my mind has energy for. Whenever my work begins to slow or falter, I grow anxious, as if my horrible secret were about to be revealed if I miss one step: I'm a lazy do-nothing.

But I'm not. I don't think I am. I work hard, I do my job well.

After eight hours of this I get home and my brain feels like it's been run through an espresso machine: stuffed into a tiny space and exposed to tremendous heat and pressure until everything I am is squeezed out of me. I sit at the computer and I try to write my stories but everything I write is seen through warped glass: not good enough because I'm not good enough, because I'm not working hard enough, because I'm lazy and I will never amount to anything...

It's that kind of poison that takes over.

Then I think for a moment that I could go rogue, quit the job and live off my art, but no, that's a pipe dream, because lazy.

Vicious cycle.

This feeling will pass, at least for a while, and I will feel better, but it's exhausting. By the time I pick myself back up in the evening, I'm still too tired to start anything productive.

I have a long-term plan. I'm cutting expenses left and right but it takes time. I just hope I still have my sanity by this time next year.
Vardo by night (ohsweetwitchery)

Sparkle Tour 2012!

Now on a brighter note, I will be a busy busy bee this September.

This weekend I'm visiting the wonderful willow_cabin and mermaiden! I'm excited to see them.

Then next weekend I'm visiting the Village Renaissance Faire for the first time. Mum's coming with me, but Dad will be camping that weekend.

Then the weekend after that, Enter the Haggis is playing up in Jim Thorpe, PA, and I'm not sure what else is happening that weekend but I think there's something going on Sunday.

And the very last weekend, Woofstock! I took Merlin when he was a wee puppy last year. There will be pictures.