March 13th, 2013

Radek: stressed (sithdragn)

No brainstorm, just a storm

At this point, all delays regarding the publication of my novella Terra Paradox are mine alone. I'll be honest, in between my own insecurities and my recent relationship saga, my mental energy has been on the floor.

This is the first time my work has been professionally edited. Intellectually, it's awesome. Emotionally, it's a roller coaster. Mentally, I know that I'm on a learning curve with both YA and 1st person. I knew that going in. But every correction reads to my ego as "This is bad, and you should feel bad." So whenever I sit down to work on it, I can only do so for a short time before I'm all "Fuck this shit."

In the meantime, I still have other writing projects I want to get done. But I can't justify working on them when I can't finish the one I'm almost done with. And despite my insecurities, I believe in those stories. I know they can be better than this one and I'm learning from my mistakes. But it's still exhausting.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and have The Outlaw Duchess and Changeling completed and ready for you. I still feel you'll love them, though I'm sure when I get to edit them, I will go through the same flailing I'm going through now.

It's hard for me to talk about this because I want you to believe in me, and want to read my work because that's why I write in the first place, but this is my journal and I'll whine if I want to. LOL

And I haven't stopped believing that I will be great some day, though there's no rational basis for it. It just feels so far away sometimes. And maybe that's just something I'll have to live with.